"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks," What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
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Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
5. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
6. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
7. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
8. Work is good, but it's not that important.
9. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure." she says, "He's at home, taking care of the kids."
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A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Two years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.
He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?!"
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